Thursday, November 08, 2012

11/8/2012 -- Random Thoughts On Starting Over

So it's 1:27 am on 11/8/2012 and I'm up listening to music and thinking about God and Church and life and what I'm suppose to do. I'm thinking too much and sometimes not enough at all. I'm screaming at myself inside for trusting people that I shouldn't. I'm also quieting my soul and trying to remember what it's like to be in the "Be Still and Know Place." Do I remember that place at all? I don't know. I'm different than I used to be. I feel like I've emptied myself of so much hate and control and pressure that I felt from the Christian subculture out of me, but there are times that I question whether I should be so open and honest about how I feel. I'm continually reminded by the Spirit that "they" aren't ready to hear what you have to say, but I don't feel Him saying that I should be quiet and not express my thoughts. There are certain topics that I do feel that He is telling me to be quiet on for this moment in time, but there aren't many of them.

I'm also thinking about how crazy it is that so many people were so upset today about nothing, but a something that wasn't the end of the world, but really a "nothing" that shouldn't change anything any more or less than the "somethings" that happen everyday.

Well...'s late and I think I'll sleep now. I just think that maybe I need to write more on my blog. I don't really care if people read it or not, but I just want a place to express my pain and thoughts and musings away from the insanity that is social media. I love social sites for what they are, but they really aren't very social. They can be fun and silly and a great distraction, but I sometimes think they can be more...a vehicle for ideas and a way for people to share great ideas to others, but usually they are just a place to share photos of kids...usually dirty food splattered kids and silly cats in clothes and a few interesting rants, but is what it is.

I think I miss music more than anything. I know I'm so going into my loner season. It's the time of the year when I can't help but push everyone away. I'm not upset or depressed or anything, but I just want to be alone. I don't think that's a bad thing. It's good to be alone sometimes. It helps you to clear your head of thoughts that wear you down. It can help you start over. Starting over is a good, scary thing. Well....I hope it is. Just my two cents on it.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Don't be just hearers. Be Do-ers. Grace + Faith = Good Works.

Don't be just hearers. Be Do-ers. Grace + Faith = Good Works. A good tree produces good fruit. Love One Another!

 If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion--how can God's love be in that person; (1 John 3:17); and one of you says to them;Go in peace, be warmed and be filled; and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that? (James 2:16)

But be a doer of the word and not only a hearer, and do not deceive yourselves. (James 1:22) You respect Mother Teresa because she did good works. She showed you her faith by her works.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Emotions Suck

The edge of the canyon of numb
So badly to jump into the deep darkness
Fight the desire to hide in the void, in the cold
The knowledge of real LOVE keeps me from that last step
From jumping
Change....swirling inside me
Beckons me to quiet my soul
To listen to the whisper
The voice of Love
The feeling of peace
The spirit of comfort
The arms of strength
The giver of joy
I step back from the edge
Even though my body is trembling from fear,
I know I'm not alone.
And He won't let me jump.
And I look up and remember home.
And I remember
My Lover

Friday, June 29, 2012

Kevin Walker Poetry: Passing By

Check out this great poem by Kevin Walker.

Kevin Walker Poetry: Passing By: I pass her by everyday. Tired eyes And a weary smile Are her only adornments. She looks toward me, But, quickly, I turn the other direction....

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

20 Practical Ways to Reshape the Image of Black and African Females in Society.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
~ Edmund Burke

I came up with 20 practical ways to change the image of Black females in society.

I would like you all to read this and SHARE it with your friends.  I would love for this post to go viral (Copy and paste it on Facebook (attribute it to me, of course), Tweet it and Google Plus ....just share it.

20 Practical Ways To Reshape the Image of Black Females.

1. Stop posting degrading pictures of Black Women on social networking sites.

2. Start showing beautiful images of successful and talented Black females online.

3. Make a poster or collage of beautiful Black females of different shades and tones: From the whitest skin to the darkest black. Show them to your friends. Post them online.

4. If you have daughters, buy dolls of all races. Show them kid/teen movies that have diversity in their cast.

5. Teach your children to respect all people no matter what color their skin and teach them to not believe and perpetuate stereotypes of black women.

6. Ask the media to show more Black females in leading roles on television and in the movies.

7. Ask the children and teen networks to have more Black females and Black males as the leading actors in some of their new shows.

8. Demand that Hollywood shows diversity in the casting of Black females. Ask them to not continue in only casting the “mammy” or the loud, mean, nasty, overweight, round face black women. Ask them to show a more realistic view of the different types of Black women in America.

9. Teach your sons that all women are beautiful regardless of color of their skin. Show them beautiful pictures of women around the world. If you teach your sons that it's ok to think that black women are beautiful and sexy, they will learn to think of Black women as you do. You influence how they think about different groups of people.

10. Have a diversity dinner at your home that celebrates different cultures.

11. Don't have just one token black guy friend. Make an effort to reach out to Black females.

12. Social Networks – Friend or Circle Black Females. Make an effort.

13. Educate yourself to the problems that Black Females face in society. If you know more of the problems, you can help to come up with simple solutions to fix the issues.

14. Create a YouTube video and talk about the problems and talk about solutions. Educate yourself first before you create the video. Have a friend review the video to make sure you are getting the right message across.

15. Celebrate Black History month. Showcase the achievements and contributions of Black Americans in the USA. It's a great time to talk about race and issues that are still plaguing many people. Take the month of February and use it to help start a revolution. Maybe one day there will be no need to have just one month to celebrate Black Americans. Maybe you will have made such an impact that all ethnicities contributions to society will all be equally celebrated in history. (Make a resolution to take 3 or 6 months and celebrate all the different ethnicities in the world)

16. Post a movie clip that shows Black females (positive and negative types). Create a discussion post and talk about the Stereotype vs. Reality of Black females. Teach your friends.

17. Showcase books and poetry by Black authors. There are many Black female authors. Show them to the world.

18. Show the artwork of Black female artists. Art, music, plays, etc, – show them to your friends

19. Understand the power of share on social networks and use it to start a revolution of equality and diversity. There is a great amount of power when you share positive images. Ask your friends to share. Share positive images of people when you are asked to do so. Sharing is a small effort that can have enormous impact on society. Use that “Share” button and use it often.

20. Do a hangout on Google Plus (Video Chat) with Black Women. Include them in your discussions and posts. Ask for the feedback of Black females. Including people is a simple solution.

These are just a few practical ways. I believe that many of you can come up with more. You could easily take one idea that I have on here and break it down to a more detail plan. There are usually always ways to make things better. All you have to do is just think about the problem and usually solutions will come to you.

Share this... Thank you.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Jason Upton - Not Alone

Jason Upton

Sometimes a song just sticks with you. You don't forget it. Over time, your life is shaped by it. It continuously moves you to ponder and meditate on an essential truth throughout your years. Face of time by Jason Upton is one of those songs for me.   There are words from Face of Time that remain in my head and heart; and from time to time, I let it remind me that even though I suffer so much in this life, I have a God that loves me. Jesus loves me. The Father God loves me. The Holy Spirit loves me. I amloved. 

My favorite verses:
I can remember when
I was afraid like you
Not so long ago
Confusion ruled my life
Wondering what to do
Not so long ago


The pain hurt way too much
the water was so cold
Not so long ago
That's when the light rescued me
From the darkness I was free
Not so long ago

My absolute favorite part:
In the place of suffering
There's a God worth worshiping
On these wings of worship we will ride

Friday, February 03, 2012

One Day

One day I won't have to lead my friends to celebrate Black History month. One day when the whites do it before me, I'll know things have changed.

One day when whites post videos of positive and beautiful black women and treat black men with respect, I will know that we are accepted.

One day when it will not be blacks against whites. It will be people for people. 

One day you will love us. One day you will be fair. One day there will be no need to have a Black History month.

One day our histories will be one. One united history.

That day is not today.

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Don't ASSume emotions from text on social networks.

Don't ASSume emotions from text on social networks.

Yes, I know I talk fast. I only do that when I'm annoyed or have a time constraint. I was under a time constraint the day I recorded this. I think the message is clear even though I had to rush it to get it recorded before I left to do other errands that day.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Empty, But Not Numb

River flows in and out

empties into my soul
the energy, the vibe
the movement of the Spirit
the rhythm of the dance
the compassion of the heart
all encompass in the lyrics
the song that can not end
the lessons learned
the pain released
the healing that began
when one would speak
soft voice he had
deep and alluring
moved me to tears
pulled rich emotions up from the fear

my soul is crying
my eyes are longing
why I miss you so
I do not know
the stars still illuminate the sky
My heart is daily saying goodbye
My emotions are alive
are real inside
and I thank you
for helping me see
that empty does not mean alone
numb does not equal emptiness.
the journey of the soul
the complexities of one's life.
understanding nothing of
the depth of a life-
That is confusion
to the soul.

Freedom calls from
One that is life.
one that is confused
that is seeking...
Is reaching out
the heart that is
Empty, but not numb

Night Calls To My Mind

I stay up late. Sometimes I feel that too many thoughts are held captive in my mind. Maybe something beautiful wants to escape the comfort of my brain. It could be a God sent message or a just a random idea that might get a laugh. I don't share much about myself.

 I'm a very shy woman, and I like to keep some mystery to myself, but I'm a very open and honest person. If you want to know something about me, do not be afraid to ask. I will answer.

Sometimes my honesty and direct approach about certain subjects gets me in more hot water than anything else. I sometimes don't know why people get so offended by things I say or write. It's not like I'm sitting around thinking up crazy things that aren't true. Sometimes the truth hurts about the things we love the most.

Our affections are often place on the wrong things. We can care more about a building than the body. We care more about perfect morality than true holiness. We ignore the poor and act as though we are fighting injustice. Our blindness has caused so many of us to miss out on the simple beauties that surround us.

How can we find peace? How can we hold on to Peace? How can we change a world if we do not admit that we need to don ourselves with sackcloth. We need to weep and repent of the little things and then maybe the big things would not be so hard to change. Just imagine all the things that one city, one church might need. Imagine all the people that we forget , all the people that we pass over, and never realizing that we could be something of a catalyst to their lives.We could be a little light that helps the world see the hidden light within themselves. We could be a soul that truly cares for others. Maybe we could be that city on a hill...again.

The night calls to my mind the story of Nicodemus. Why must one search for truth in the dark as though he is afraid of it when it's standing right next to him in the light? So what if we are hated by the institutions and organizations that we have become so loyal to in this day? It is better to fight for what is real then to continue down a road that leads to destruction. A road that is paved in misinformation, bad teaching, and hate.

July 28, 2005 - Come Out!

I scream so loud, but no one hears. I fight inside to hide my fears. I hate, I hate to be here! Why can't I just die? Like Elijah, I'm calling to You!


I think this world is blind.

We all run around and act as though we're fine. The lies we tell, the hearts we break, and our selfish SOUL-it aches.

What can I say? We like to dine with sin. We like to call him our friend! "I'm ok as long as no one knows or cares." How can we be so blind? How can we continue to grieve the heart of our God? WHERE IS OUR MIND? How can we ignore Him when He calls our name?

Does He deserve our Lover sin? Did Jesus forget that He saved our souls way back then? Is His heart made of ice and cold? Or does He wait for us to venture forth from our darkness, from our shadows and call on Him inspite of the snow? Does He realize that it is so hard for us to accept His love? When will He learn to let us go?

My God is a God that knows. His love He shows. My God disciplines.

My God does not condone sin.







Pure Drink

Preface -- This is a poem about a friendship. It isn't about love at all, not really. About a pure friendship. 

 Pure Drink

Let me pour you a drink
It will consist of my love
It will be light and crisp
Filled with Passion and Desire
Filled with Loyalty and Kindness
It will have a hint of joy and a touch of whine
It has the side effect of making you dizzy with wonder
Many are captivated with a curiosity about what makes me shine
Many have yearned to touch my soul
Some have been, at times,
Drunk on my mystery
Intoxicated by my wonder

I never let them in
I never let them stay

They just drink my wine

My lover,who is true, never ever
needs a sip of my drink

His love is pure
He sees me for the maiden I am
And he doesn't change me
And I won't change him

Our love is pure
No chains, No rings, No demands
Our love is pure


[Preface -- This is about a friend of mine that I loved. I still love. Sometimes it's hard to get to know people when they have walls up around their heart. You can't just destroy the walls quickly without destroying the person.]

There's a sadness about you

There's a sadness about me

There is BEAUTY in you
There is BEAUTY in me

I take the time to see you
Do you take the time to discover me?
Do I care enough to know you?
Do you care enough to feel something for me?

Is fear keeping you at a distance?
Am I trying to hard?
Did I push you away?
Maybe I'm not ready to let you in
or give my heart away

There's a sadness about you
There's a sadness about me

Maybe there is something deep
Deeper than my hesitation
Caused by me
Intimidated by you
I stay behind the fence
I am afraid to take the first step
On the outside, I remain
Maybe there is something deep

Deeper than your broken heart
Deeper than the pain that keeps us both apart

Friday, January 27, 2012

Twilight: It gave me my brother, hope, and comfort.

The Twilight Saga
Sometimes I think about how one sided Social Media is to people. I only share a small bit of my life with you on social networks. I don't tell you everything. I don't have to tell you details.

  A few years my brother who isn't very close to me did something really nice. My brother and I don't spend time together. We don't really get along at all. He and I have had a very tumultuous sibling relationship. One time when we were teens, he beat the crap out of me, but I never felt the blows. I'm very good at going numb. I've had a history of abuse that I've suffered, so it's a normal thing for my body to not feel pain right away or at all at times. But back to the story. It's always good to give your read a little background before you begin to tell them something that's important to you or to the story.

  One winter night, my brother grabs me and tells me that I was going to go to the movies with him. I didn't know what we were going to go see, but he insisted that I should go. I didn't know why he was acting nice. He was acting NICE. You have no clue how scared I was about his behavior. I thought I should give him a chance. I trusted him. Trust doesn't come easy for me. I left with him in his car that had no heat. It was so cold that night. I was freezing. We drove to the movie theater in Pearl, MS.

  Standing outside the ticket booth, my brother orders two tickets for this movie called "Twilight." I didn't know really anything about it. I had heard from an ABC "Nightline" television show that a woman wrote a book, and lots of girls were into reading now and the girls had totally fell in love with the story. I didn't really pay much attention to the broadcast that night when it was on because I was distracted by other things. I didn't know the story of Bella and Edward and Jacob.

 The beginning of the movie was kinda slow, but it peaked my interest because my sister lived in Arizona for a short time. I was kind of expecting just the regular teenage drama movie. I didn't know about all the supernatural stuff in the plot. When the van almost hit Bella and Edward came to her to save her, I was hooked. That's an amazingly beautiful scene on the big screen.  It sealed it for me. I was liking this budding romance. There were still slow moments in the movie but there were amazing scenes like Bella and Edward in the meadow where they talked about the Lion and the Lamb. The scene of rain with the couple was just beautifully shot. And for the me the restaurant and the fight scene that contained the songs by Robert Pattinson just blew me away. RP has a thing for southern blues. He's been messing around with it. I love budding new indie rough around the edges kind of music. And!  My brother slept for the end of the movie. He was really tired, but he like the scene of Jacob 'crashing' the prom. I felt the same way as my brother about that scene. It was awesome and it hinted a lot. It was a nice night.

My brother that hates me gave me a moment to be siblings. Twilight gave me that. And the books have giving me countless hours of comfort and joy. I can escape into a beautifully written (but not perfect by any literary standard of the snobs that judge it), world of love and family and friendship. A friendship between the awkward girl and an amazing copper-skinned boy that never ended even when everything changed.

I love Twilight. I don't judge it like some of you do. I see the beauty of the story. I see the hope in the friendship of Bella and Jacob. I see the love of Bella and Edward. It gave me hope. You can insult me and the book. You can call it garbage and hurt my feelings or you can understand what it means to me. My brother gave me something that in turned later gave me comfort when I lost a dear friend of mine over a very bad miscommunication issue.  That's my story. Bite me.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Sick of Rainy Days!

I'm frustrated. I'm sick of rainy days, and I'm not feeling well. My eyes are so weak. My skin feels itchy. I just want to feel better. I'm moody. Ignore me for a few days.

I seriously need a boyfriend. I WANT a boyfriend. I don't like being single. I don't think it suits me at all. I'm lonely. I want love and romance and all that jazz.

Sorry this is a crappy excuse for a post, but I don't really have the energy to write. Pray I feel better. 

I will bring you something better in a couple of days.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A New Blog Post Once a Week

Welcome to my blog. I really need to get back into writing, basically for my sanity and to maintain my writing skills. It's been a long time since I've actually wanted to write. I feel a desire to write now. I will be trying my best to update my blog at least once a week. I think that I can handle that. I hope to write about many different subjects. I really enjoy computers and technology. I'm a huge fan of Christianity, and I will post a Christian post once and a while to get people thinking. I will try to include pictures on here also.

This is a exercise to get myself to a place where I feel comfortable expressing myself in written form. I'm a very shy person, and I really have to push myself to reach out to people. I'm pushing, and I hope you will pull me along. I will try my best to be supportive and push you just a little too. I have also encouraged my Facebook, Twitter, and my Google Plus friends to start a blog on blogger also and try to blog out some of our feelings. If you already have a blog somewhere else, comment the url link below, and I will follow you too. I think this will be fun, and hopefully this will help a lot of us get to know each other better. Let the writing begin.

Link to Clip Art